That's Nice, Potter
by Arcynic
Summary: In which James falls in love—repeatedly and Lily listens—against her better judgement. [almost all dialogue oneshot]


"Evans."

Pause, sigh, "Yes, Potter?"

"I'm in love."

"That's nice, Potter."

"I'm serious."

"That's nice, Potter."

"Don't you want to know who with?"

A twitch of the eyebrow, "Not particularly—"

"Patricia Patil"

A beat, "Perry's twin?"

"Mmhm."

"…That's nice, Potter."

"Isn't it? She's like the bright shining sun on a warm summer day, the silver lining of every cloud, the chocolate of the chocolate frog, the—"

"Potter, is there any reason you've decided to tell me all this?"

"…Sirius, Remus, and Peter won't listen anymore."

"I ought to give them more credit then."

"_Evans_."

"_Potter_, I'm _trying_ to write my Transfiguration essay."

"Oh," frown, "Well all right then," hesitance, "see you Evans."

"Goodbye Potter."

-

"Evans!"

Groan, "Yes, Potter?"

"Patricia said yes!"

"That's nice, Potter."

"I'm so happy I could _fly_."

A pause, "Then please do," hopefully, "_away_ from here."

"Don't you want to hear how it happened?"

"Not particularly—"

"Well, I finally worked up my courage and met her after Charms."

Repeated head banging.

"Evans, are you quite all right there? You seem a bit mental."

"Positively stellar," sarcastically.

"Excellent. Now as I was saying, it was after Charms when I decided to ask her to go to Hogsmeade with me, and can you guess what she said?"

"I can't begin to imagine."

"And I thought you were top of the class Evans," a tsk, "but she said yes!"

"How riveting."

"Isn't it?"

"Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"Why are you here telling me about this when you could be with your new girlfriend right about _now_?"

Blinking, "I hadn't thought about that, you're bloody brilliant Evans!"

"I'm top of the class."

"Then, bye Evans!"

A sigh of relief, "Goodbye Potter."

-

"Evans—" whimpering.

Sigh, "Yes Potter?"

"It's over. Me and Patricia are over."

"Wasn't _today_ your Hogsmeade date?"

"Yes and—why didn't you go to Hogsmeade, Evans?"

"So I could finish my bloody Transfiguration essay, Potter."

Blinking, "You've been working on that for quite some time now."

"Well if certain people hadn't kept interrupting—"

"I finished that the day it was assigned, you know."

"That's nice, P—wait, seriously?"

"Yes, would you like to see?" earnestly.

"…Weren't you heartbroken, Potter?"

"Oh yeah," whimpering, "Patricia Patil. Do you know what happened, Evans?"

Inwardly cursing, "No and I don't particularly—"

"Well we were walking to Honeydukes—holding _hands_, Evans, _hands_—and it was so marvelous, the feel of her soft small hand in mine and her nails were done up in a very nice shade of purple, or was it magenta, or lavender, I think it was lavender, and—"

"Potter, does this story have an ending—anytime _soon_?"

"Right, well, we were walking when suddenly we see Archer Brown and Emily Anderson chatting and suddenly Patricia throws a fit and storms over there and gives Brown a piece of her mind and it turns out that Patricia was _using_ me, using _me_ Evans! Just to get Brown jealous because she's fancied him for _ages_—and apparently _everyone_ knew about it, everyone but _me_ and…d—did you know about it, Evans?"

"Yes I did, Potter."

"Then why didn't you bloody _tell_ me?"

"I thought you knew," blinking, "_everyone_ knew."

"You're horrid, Evans!"

"That's nice, Potter."

"Fine! I won't tell you _anything_, anymore!"

"Do you promise?" hopeful.

"UGH!"

A smile, "Goodbye Potter."

-

"Evaaaaans!"

An eyebrow raise, "Yes, Potter?"

"I'm in love!"

"That's nice, Potter."

"You sound like you don't believe me! I guess from the tiff with Patricia—who is currently dating Brown—which is rather fine since I have found my _one true love_."

"That's nice, Potter."

"Don't you want to know who the lucky girl is?"

"Didn't you promise not to tell me _anything_ anymore?"

"But this isn't just _anything_, Evans! It's Zhen Chan!"

A deep sigh, "That's nice, Potter."

"Yes! She's just so beautiful and so intelligent and so witty and so charming and—"

"Potter?"

"Yes Evans?"

"Why don't you go ask her out right now then, instead of talking to _me_?"

Head scratching, "You think she'll say yes, Evans?"

"You won't know 'til you try, Potter."

"Hm, thanks Evans! See you later then!"

"Goodbye Potter."

-

"Evans! So you were in the library! I've been scouring the common room for ages to find you."

"Oh joy."

"Yul Chang already asked her out. They've been steady for three days now."

"That's nice, Potter."

"No, it's really not!" whining.

"That's nice, Potter."

"My heart has been torn in two, Evans! How could you be so cruel?"

"…That's _not_ nice, Potter?"

"Yes, it's not! See, Evans, you're the only one that seems to understand me! Peter keeps laughing, Remus won't even listen, and Sirius would rather get _detention_ instead of helping his best friend! Can you _imagine_? I _just _started to tell him about Zhen and he promptly called McGonagall a 'big bleedin' toerag' and was sent straight to Filch's office! I mean, for Merlin's sake, when you can't even—what is it you're writing there, Evans?"

"Note to self: call McGonagall 'big bleedin' toerag' for peace and quiet! Evans! That's not funny!"

"Shh!"

"Sorry Madam Pince."

Elbow, "Ouch! Evans what the—oh, yes, _sorry_ Madam Pince." Softer, "Now as I was saying, Evans—what was I saying?"

Sigh, "Zhen Chang?"

"Yes! Well my heart is broken and I shall never love again."

"Promise?"

"_Evans_!"

"That's…_not_ nice, Potter?"

"Catching on quickly there, eh Evans?"

"You don't _seem_ very broken hearted, Potter."

"Well, actually, all that time spent looking for you to tell my problems to kind of drained the heartbrokenness out of me," thoughtfully.

"Then why are you talking to me _now_, Potter?"

"You know, I haven't the foggiest. Good day Evans, hope you finish…whatever it is you're trying to do this time."

"Goodbye Potter."

-

"I've found my soulmate, Evans!"

"Oh good _grief_, Potter!"

"No, this time it's for real!"

"You said you'd never love again! I was going to hold you to it."

"But I was wrong! Oh _love_ has proven me wrong!"

"That's nice, Potter."

"Do you—"

"_No_."

"Narcissa Black."

Surprise, interest, "As in Slytherin Narcissa Black?"

"Yes!"

"As in…Sirius Black's cousin, Narcissa Black?"

"Ye—oh dear, you don't think he'll disapprove, do you?"

Pointed look, "You tell me."

"Well, I suppose he won't be thrilled, he isn't too fond of his cousin…or Slytherins."

"Since when were_ you_?"

"Since Narcissa smiled at me, _smiled_! That means I have a chance, doesn't it?"

"Gryffindors and Slytherins are sworn enemies."

"It's a modern day tale of—what is that muggle play—Romeo and Juliet, then!"

"Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"Romeo and Juliet die in the end."

"But they die _together_, Evans."

"You're beginning to scare me, Potter."

"Don't you see? As long as soul mates find each other nothing else matters!"

"Then, Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"Go find your soul mate."

"…Oh Evans, you never cease to amaze me! Bye Evans!"

Sigh, "Goodbye Potter."

-

"Evans."

"Yes, Po—bloody hell what happened to your _face_!"

"Shh!"

"…Sorry Madam Pince," softer, "Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"Your face?"

Cough, "Well, it seems that Narcissa is already engaged to someone else."

A raised eyebrow.

"To Lucius Malfoy."

"_Malfoy _did that to you?"

"No," a beat, "Sirius."

"Oh _Merlin_."

"He said that beating the love out of me would be much easier than having me follow through with it and _then_ learning my lesson—whatever the bloody hell that means."

"Here, Potter."

"Oh, thanks for the ice, Evans. You're really not too shabby at transfiguration—though the ice still feels like a feather."

"That was one of my favorite quills, Potter, no complaining."

"Right."

Silence.

"Evans?"

Sigh, "Yes, Potter?"

"Would you mind if I stayed a while? I…don't really want to be seen by anyone else right now."

Blinking, "Uhm…sure, Potter."

"Thanks Evans."

-

"Evans!"

"Merlin, Potter, this is the _girl's_ dorm! You aren't allowed in here!"

"But you've been in here all day," whining.

"With good reason, Potter."

"But this is important! Don't you—"

"For Merlin's sake, Potter, _no_! No, no, no, no, _no_!"

"But I've never loved anyone like I've loved her."

"_Really_," sarcastic drawling.

"Yes, it's Alice Whittaker!"

Blinking, "Griffindor Alice?"

"Yes!"

"My best friend Alice?"

"Yes! Not jealous, are you Evans?"

Hesitance, "Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?" dreamily.

"Alice fancies Frank."

Blinking, "Longbottom?"

Sigh, "Yes. I'm sorry Potter."

"No, well, uhm—thank you, I guess, Evans."

"For what?" surprise.

"Well, for telling me before I make an arse of myself. For always listening—"

"Well I don't actually l—"

"I'm serious, Evans! No one else really bothers to listen when I fall in love, it's like you're the only one that cares—"

"Really, Potter, don't get carried—"

"And you're so brilliant, and funny, and so kind, and so pretty and—_Bloody hell_—Evans!" sudden realization.

"Yes, Potter?"

"I think I actually—_I think I'm in love with yo_u, Evans."

"That's nice, Potter."

"It is? Does that mean that you—"

"Not particularly—"

"Don't take it so lightly, Evans! I am in _love_ with you!"

Exasperation, "Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"You have been in love more times than it should be allowed in this past month alone. You were in love with my best friend five seconds ago. What makes this any different?"

"_You_!"

"What _about _me?"

"You're the sun—"

"Like Patricia."

"You're intelligent—"

"Like Zhen."

"You're—"

"Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"Go and fall in love with someone else."

"But—"

Silence. Turning of pages.

"Okay, goodbye Evans," defeated.

"Goodbye Potter."

-

"Evans?"

Surprise, sigh, "Yes, Potter?"

"I've thought about it for months, now, and I finally have an answer."

"To what, Potter?"

"To what makes you different."

"That's nice, Potter."

"Don't you want to know what it is?"

"Not particularly—"

Sigh, "There's no one to make me feel better about losing _you_, Evans."

Blinking, "Potter?"

"I'll leave you alone now, Evans—sorry."

"…Goodbye Potter," whisper.

-

"Potter?"

"This is the boy's dorm, Evans."

Amused, "Yes but you've been in here all day."

"What is it?"

"I think I might love you too, Potter."

Crash.

"Bloody hell, what is _wrong_ with you, Potter?"

"Say it again, Evans."

"What?"

"Say it _again_, Evans."

"Bloody hell, what is wrong with you, Potter?"

"_No_."

Hesitance, "I think I might love you too, Potter."

Crash.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, I'm leaving then!"

"No wait—" crash.

Groan.

"Evans?"

Sigh, "Yes, Po—mmph!" snogging.

"That's…" cough, "nice, Potter."

-

A/N: Proof that one should never start a fic at two am, although I always seem to, anyway. I don't know how I feel about this, it isn't particularly clever or witty or anything…but it _was_ rather amusing to write. Dialogue pieces are always good fun. And, uhm, yeah, this was written for fun and crack, so please don't take any of the characterization seriously.

Also proof that I really, really can't stand the next few chapters of Bet that I have to revise. Will get back to that sooner or later. Or later.


End file.
